J.J. Ambercrumby and Nixon Zope, two not-so-bright smugglers of illegal medical supplies, encounter a mysterious buyer--David--who forces them at gunpoint to listen to his 'joke' about a miracle baby who heals her mother's heart, until they are interrupted by a military assault on the abandoned hospital in which they were conducting their black-market deal. J.J. and Nixon barely escape but then find they are hosts to 'Charlie,' an apparent runaway nine-year-old girl bearing strange tales of the 'Love Gods From Planet Zero' and insisting that J.J. and Nixon are the 'Love Gods' that must take care of her now that her father is gone. Not knowing what to do with the child, they take her to a strip club--'Shirley's Temple'--to 'chill and think.' They finally decide to take the girl home to Thundertail--J.J.'s sister--but when they arrive, the strong-arm of the pharmaceutical companies--Gordon Knight--has tracked them and eventually tortures and kills Thundertail. J.J., Nixon and Charlie stay overnight in a seedy motel and the next morning the two clueless bagmen nearly lose her to a pedophile residing at the motel. Next, the three head North to rendezvous with Shakey Jake, who prepares counterfeit documents to get them all out of the country, but while J.J. and Nixon are buying supplies at a local country store, Mr. Knight's henchmen capture them. Their only hope for escape is now in the hands of Shakey Jake and Charlie, the latter of which--at nine-years-old--is 'evolving exponentially' and will stop at nothing to save her two surrogate fathers.